Sad & Depressed

[waterlilly]

Guys I am writing tonight as i am suffering from severe depression and toying with the idea of ENDING IT ALL...
Today after a really tough session with my counsellor I just feel so **** about all the abuse from my childhood and teenage years. You know, some people actually have other adults instead of their natal parents who actually want to own them. It occurred to me today that, nobody has ever claimed me as theirs and I am just so sad. I am fluctuating between really hating my mother, and wanting to tell her about other abuses that i suffered. I was never protected. In addition, I am trying to work out why i want to tell her, Do i want her to feel hurt...yes, notice me?...check. Mother me...YES! I am so aware that I will never be mothered!!! And I’m sad, lonely, broke worried that I am unable to cope, worried that the next 30 years will be as tough, sad, difficult and lonely. There is a part of me that can’t wait for her to pass away. So I will be free of this burden . I am sorry if this is difficult to read but, it’s just as hard to write this and be so truthful.
I was also looking at my chart and saw that there was a possibility of becoming a drug taker, I wonder if I have suicidal tendencies too.
So my questions are
1, does she feel anything about my childhood? Regrets about her behaviour?
2, why has she separated me away from her life?
3, does she like me? And is she sorry?My financial situation is ****, i am not working...i think i am losing this battle..

[waterlilly]

My chart also

[Liquid Green]

solar eclipse is coming up...........dont do anything rash.........lets see your natal and transits..............

[Natasha]

Your about to have your Saturn Square - its can be positive opportunity to release any old burdens which have been holding you back

Saturn has been stationed around your natal Mercury also recently and is moving forward to the saturn square

Its a time now to truly be the nurturing parent for yourself - your moon
Saturn tells us we can take steps to find our own nurturing and support

Saturn is very much about us finding & producing what we need for ourselves

We cant make anyone do anything and can be held prisoner by the desire to do so.

Saturn seems to be a hard task master but he really just wants us to take ownership of the hard parts in our life and turn them around

Its a bit of a big ask I know & thats why he seems so demanding but once you get started you will feel the results and that your on the path which Saturn wants.

You have recently completed a Pluto Moon transit and you have a natal Pluto Moon!!! So you also had your Pluto Square at the same time

Pluto Moon is like a deep sea diver in that the Moon feels deeply and finds it diffiult to let go and forgive but once she gets going she can be the best at letting go of old things. Forgive - not to condone - but to free ourselves. To release and forgive people for "not being the person you wanted them to be"
and to forgive and let go just for you & set you free

There are strong astrolgoical links between you & your mother
But I have found for the individual its more about being encouraged to find your own journey
The parent we decide to choose helps us (sometimes roughly) become us through inadvertantly forcing us to let go of what we cannot change
Then we can focus on making us happy & positive.


Often its Saturn who comes forward to move us to this as he wants us to free ourselves from the old which is no longer helpful to us

[Tammie1000]

I have been there. I do not know what kind of abuse you have suffered, but I am empathetic. If you are looking for a long term solution, astrology, and eastern religions offer a lot and help you to put things into perspective. In some original eastern religions, it is the person who chooses what trials they are to encounter here on earth, such as the choice in parents before they are born. Neterianism, and Sufism believe this. This has been what has saved me sometimes as my mother was and still is extremely distant from me. She has never been a "mother" and I have virtually no memory of her from childhood. The hardships in life is what helps us to reach for our true place and grow. Believe it or not, every soul has to endure the same types of hurtful hardships before completing the reincarnation cycle. Not all, but many people have and are going through something that makes them want to end it (including myself) Check out the blog on this site regarding the 12th house and Pluto. I won't go into details, but my chart is horrible! This time in your life is no doubt an opportunity for you to grow and learn--albeit maybe not financially (been there). Your mother is a test of your character. No one owes anyone anything except their best. What she owes you will be paid whether she pays now or later, but her payment has nothing to do with your ability to grow in a positive manner.
A Kaballist once told me that in order to make someone pay for an offense, you have to FORGIVE them and let it go. The universe then starts to "take care of it". I actually tried it and it works. Your mother is probably feeling guilty so much within that she cannot come to you, whether she is evil or not. Believe me, she will pay. It is called Karma. But letting it eat you is doing just that...eating you. Perhaps seeking someone who could help you to meditate would help. The law governs everything. No bad deed goes unpunished, even if it takes a lifetime. Your ego is killing you now by making you think that things should have happened a certain way when that is never true with anything. I am still struggling with this too, but meditation and study of Egyptian and eastern religions has helped. You are so special, so loved, and needed by the universe to do it's necessary work. You are there to teach those around you a lesson too. Unfortunately, these religions teach that if you end your testing period (life) then you will have to repeat the test. Don't repeat the test. Keep searching and get around those who care about you, or better yet, find someone that you can give love to and concentrate on that positive thing. I once did a hospital program where people were allowed to come in and hold sick infants because they realized that touch from a human being helped to speed their recovery. Give love and it will eventually come to you. It was great therapy. Perhaps a romantic affair is not good for now being that you are not whole yet. I am an excellent mother. My children do not have a clue what I went through, but they chose me. I am a better mother because of what I went through and I am seeing the benefits--albeit a long time coming, through them. I have overcome my hate for my mother, and my need for her. Remember need is ego! Imagine what you could accomplish if you conquered your ego (need for mom). You can make it. You are NEEDED here.

[erinj]

Hi Waterlilly

Please send me your birthdata I cannot understand the chart and I want to analyze your data on my own software. But please dont do anything rash. it is unfortunate that you have experienced so much pain and depression in your life but we all have to face our fears and you are avoiding it, and it may be a uncounscious protection mechanism but you will have to release all anger and animosity toward your mother for not protecting you. yes she should have and maybe she was not strong enough or was scared and that is not valid but it may have been the case. Stress is also a killer and the body you have is your temple and the only one you will ever have so it is okay to say I forgive my mother and no you don't have to have a relationship with her afterwards but you deserve peace and happiness so stop givng the power to your mother. I have battled depression so I know how it feels but now i am in a better place because I was refusing to accept things as they were. You still have your whole life ahead of you so in the meantime think of things you always wanted to do or like to do and start relaxing. How long have you been in therapy? As soon as I get your data I will follow up with you and remember God is always in control ask for help to release your pain and sadness so your can enjoy your earthly plane. Take care of yourself for a change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[waterlilly]

Thanks so much guys.

This saturn square is soo tough.

I just feel so low. I'm sorry my posts aren't light and breezy but, light feels like another planet right now.

I remember watching JK Rowlings interview on her life. She mentioned that some of her charicters were based on her idea of the blackness that absorbs you. It was so interesting and I could relate to that.

I have posted my natal ernji.

Thanks again

[Kingsley]

Hang in there Water Lilly, mercury retrograde and Sun Chiron today. It will pass just like the weather does. It is not the best time to be in charge of ones thinking thats for sure. I get depressed sometimes too and its when I am not thinking so well and the feelings tend to come through. Sounds like you are doing some good work in therapy if you are feeling like this. Stirring up the memories from the past means that you are getting contact with the feelings. That is very hard to do sometimes. If you are willing to feel sad for a little while I am sure that will be really helpful for you. It is ok to be sad, thats just what you need to feel at the moment by the sounds of things.

hugs

k

[lillyjgc]

Waterlilly, (from one lilly to another....)
Thankyou so very much for entrusting us with your pain.When I am in emotional pain, I turn to my beliefs...(after all, a belief system is supposed to help us get through the tough times, yes?)...With Pluto transits/aspects, very often our *beliefs* go through the tumble dryer....and we dont know WHAT we believe....Out of that, though, emerges a *revised edition*-we dispense with the old beliefs that didnt serve us well and adopt new (more appropriate) ones...I think thats whats happening to you now.I'll look over your transits in detail a bit later, - but for now Water, remember this: Everyone goes through a period of transition-a saturn square is hard going, but it doesnt last and I'm sure *this too will pass*..(I'm not trying to be glib and Pollyanna!_ I really mean it Water)...You are delving into deep matters and stuff that needs to be purged, is coming up....all processes take a little time.
Love and light to you,
lillyjgc

[lillyjgc]

Waterlilly: I've had a look at your chart and transits to it:
You are undergoing some challenges at the moment, but you do also have jupiter trine your MC, which suggests that you are hooked up with the right professionals.

Pluto is trine to your sun at present which will give you some endurance and help to offset mars squaring your pluto (but remember, mars is moving ON now...)

With Neptune squaring your ascendant you do probably feel a bit *escapist*or as if you are in a mental fog...This placement of Neptune can make *clarity* a challenge...Jupiter at present also square your Uranus is undoubetdly creating a certain restlessness, and impatience.
Saturns conjunction to your mercury may give rise to despondency and hinder your ability to express yourself.However, jolly old Jupiter is trining your MC so you may expect a bit of celestial benevolence.

Toward the end of February mars will square your moon and square pluto- but this is offset to some extent by mars sextile to your venus....a very helpful aspect.At the very end of Feb, Mars will sextile your sun, and I think you will feel much more positive at that time...
The stellium thats occurring now is in your third house...no wonder you are feeling under the weather! But we are all having this stellium *somewhere*.
As this stellium is opposite your sun you may need to pay a lot of attention to your physical well-being....

By April/May your transits DO get better and I see ahead some opportunities for you to make the changes that arise from the inner process you are currently going through. Work matters, for example...with jupiter making some positive aspects to your MC and ASC, there may be changes coming up there that result in greater fulfilment from your work.

When big transformations are going on, I look to Pluto.
as Pluto is going through your second house it is reforming how you value yourself- your self-esteem (also your finances)...Pluto is actually trine to your sun/venus in your ninth house so I see your beliefs ARE undergoing a reform- in a positive way- EG: If you have *judged yourself* or allowed yourself to be defined by another/others, now you may start seeing yourself a different way...what you believe about yourself is what can change here..This can result in a favourable work change..and thus impact on your finances.
the transits we've been having have hit many of us very hard.Mars is forming a pleasant quintile to your mercury so perhaps that has enabled you to * open up to us* here on the forum.
As the upcoming eclipse also falls over your third house you might be experiencing * the dark hour before Dawn*, but eclipses have a way of *revealing* insights/information that illuminates our path...
Whenever Pluto gets involved there are * letting go* issues, usually * letting go of the past*. This theme is emphasised by the transit of north node in a conjunction to neptune, part of that stellium. in your third house.
By May you will be experiencing much easement as the aspects improve.
Feel free to pm me anytime.
All the best
lillyjgc

[waterlilly]

Kingsley.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

Lilly thank you also. you covered so much.
I do indeed feel like I am under a foggy cloud. I can't sleep, low engergy, don't want to go out. You know all the normal signs really. I am trying to pay attention to my physical self as, I have been going swimming. But this just hit me three days ago. Plus my usually great skin is terrible at the moment.

I did get out this morning. thanks to the dog. This encouraged me to head out again. I felt I should focuse on doing something really healing. So I bought, pots and seeds planted the window boxes and did the garden, touched the soil. I hope i'm planting the right side of the eclipse?? It felt good anyhow.

You are right again when you mention letting go of the past. I have held on for so long. thank god my counsellor has been sent into my life. ( she's a virgo) I believe she was sent to help me heal this moon- pluto thing you mention. I have worked harder with her to find peace, than with anyone I have tried this with

I have also bought some essential oils to ylang ylang, camophor, juniper & Printed out leaflets offering tarot readings for money from home. I hope this bares fruit as I Need to be earning.

Lilly thanks your such a love.


Tammie I wanted to say a huge thanks for your advice. I will look more deeply into the things you have suggested.

[wilsontc]

waterlilly,

Stressful Neptune (spirituality, also confusion) transits (moving planets in the sky) can indicate suicidal (confused) thinking. We become confused about who we are and what we can do in our life and want to just "give up". As many people have said, this transit passes, we come out of our "cloud" and we think to ourselves, "What in the world was I thinking about! Sucide's no "answer" to anything!" So calm yourself, get a book on meditation (if you don't already have one), practice daily meditation exercises, and use this spiritual time to let things "flow" around you without feeling the need to take any sort of "action" on them. All life is a learning experience...it's just some lessons are more challenging than others! :) Hang on, you ARE making progress in your life.

Making progress,

Tim

[VenusInAries]

Hi Lily, first yes Wilson is correct the research I have done I have found heavy Neptune stuff going on when someone committed suicide. Saturn is just ucky stuff heavy painful - it's the reaility we don't like and he weighs us down with all the nitty gritty of it with no escape. Hang in there with the Saturn transits - I currently have it square my mercury oppose my moon - then it will move to squaring my mars ..weeeeeee lol i like to say life is a bowl of transits ( I picture it a t-shirt with a bowl full of symbols of planets with cherry stems lol)

I have posted on here when I was going thru some painful stuff and even did a horary question if a certain time was good to kill myself because I couldn't see any other way. Don't apologize for not being breezy and happy - one thing I could not stand when feeling sad or upset or just in pain was someone saying heyyyy cheer up.

- It's okay if you feel this way - you have pain it needs to be acknowledged and felt - cry - get angry and beat up a pillow - and cry some more if that is what you need to do - talk to me if you want it's okay you are human and don't always have to be happy. -

I've talked about my abuse on this site as well so if you feel comfortable as someone you can talk to I am here for you. I have been sexually abused by every man in my family starting from age 2 - my mother left me - I went to go be with her at age 12 where she told me she hated me and wish I was never born and beat me to a bloody pulp. So I have been in counseling for most of my life I have tried to committ suicide before - a few times with all out seriousness and came pretty darn close to it and other times really in my heart not wanting to but just needing the pain to stop so bad so feeling it was my only way out but reaching out to others with my pain for any chance at all that someone would make me feel different.

I've been there - it's okay if you are hurting - it's okay if you are sad or angry - I'm sorry you have to go thru this - but I'm here if you ever want to talk and never have to worry about being cheery with me just be you whatever that is at any given moment because we are always changing always evolving never static okay ::Hugs::

[archergirl]

Hi Waterlilly,

You are doing all the right things; planting, playing with the Earth, walking your dog, swimming and getting exercise.

Many, many, many people are left hurting by the stuff that happens in childhood. It is brilliant that you have a good counsellor; counselling isn't for wimps, especially when you are brave enough to face this stuff and work your way through it. Counselling was the best thing I ever did for myself; easy, it was not.

My spiritual teacher says that in order to be free, we have to learn to

1) be grateful for whatever small blessings we can find in our lives, and I mean, count even the smallest ones, like the fact that winter in England doesn't last forever and that your heart beats 60+ times a minute, keeping you alive, without you even asking it to

2) forgive EVERYONE. Forgive doesn't mean 'tolerate' or 'feel that what they did was okay'; it means to find a place of acceptance of them, even the worst ones. They did what they did. It was wrong. It was 'ago'. Enough said. Move forward and release your blame and bitterness. 'You' are not the sum of their actions against you.

and 3) bestow your blessing on the world. Bless yourself first. Blessing is not about being a priest or whatever. You don't have to be a priest to bless. Blessing sends out the love you carry in your heart, the love that is actually Love and is the spirit that flows in all of us, and the more you can bless other people with your arms wide open, the more blessing you are giving yourself. Just try it, on a homeless guy sitting against a wall, on the lady in the blue suit sitting next to you in the Tube, on the old man selling papers in the kiosk. Think to yourself, "I Bless You!" and throw open your heart.

It sounds wacky, but by gum, it works. You wind up feeling quite good about life after a few blessings. Bless yourself in the mirror, every day. Bless your mother, who is so wounded she can give nothing of herself to you. Bless all the bastards who hurt you; they especially need blessing, because they are far from the Source. If you can't bless them at first, start with strangers; bless your dog. Bless the birds in the trees. Bless the park bench.

Depression *****, but it really CAN go away; it is a process. Depression is anger that has been plugged up. Let your counsellor help you move through it, and out of it, and beyond it. Whatever you do, don't give up, and don't look back. Keep moving forward. You'll get there.

Bless you!
AG:)

[smilingsteph]

Hi Waterlily
I feel so terrible that you are feeling like this. You are such a beautiful person and it feels so badly to know that there are mothers and daughters out there that are close. As you know my mother and I are similar to you and yours. Of course she feels badly, but it might be so that she puts you away so that those feelings of inadequacy wont reach her. My mother told me that when I was born she did not get that sense of mothering for me. She said that she did not feel that innate sense of love for me. I was devastated, however at least she was honest with me. I think that not all mothers are meant to be mothers. I think that you have been betrayed by a person whom is supposed to love you unconditionally, therefore you must love yourself unconditionally!!! This square is hard! However Saturn is there to grow from, I think that before you can love yourself you must learn to let go and learn that you may never have that love from your mother. Cliche I know but until we learn to let go of the ideal that our mothers are going to love us and be proud of us, we cannot be proud of ourselves!
You are very creative, likeable, and good at a multitude of things, in regards to your chart, a very creative caring person. You have so much going for you! Please know that we are here for you and there are others out there that feel what you feel; you are never alone
Hugs
Steph

[waterlilly]

Guys you have been so kind.

Tim thank you for you kind words and yes i can feel neptune pulling on me. I'll keep taking it day by day.


Venus. hello and thanks. I have been wondering how you were. I am so glad you are over your depression now and i will indeed call on you and take up your advice.

AG: Thanks for your kind words and blessings. I'll try that out today, tomorrow and the day after. I started with the dog. this morning.

SmilingSteph: Thanks, yes we have spoken alot about the affects of our childhoods on us now. I am so sorry for your pain too. I completely understand the depth of this saddness. here's to a better future.

thanks again

thanks for the support

[wayne penner]

Waterlilly, we all get down from time to time, and it's not always clear in the chart. I am going through a Saturn return at the moment, have no job, no income, no friends and I think my cat Fluffy doesn't like me any more. I've lost a huge fortune in the stock market in recent months ... you get the picture ... I'm a ledge-person ...

When I get down on myself I remind myself of Longfellow's beautiful stanza:

"Be cheered sad heart,
And cease repining,
Behind the clouds the Sun's still shining,
In every life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary."

[gaer]

Please click one of the Quick Reply icons in the posts above to activate Quick Reply.

[gaer]

Guys I am writing tonight as i am suffering from severe depression and toying with the idea of ENDING IT ALL...

Whose chart did you post?

This has been a very difficult year for a lot of people. My own mother died last summe after suffering from Alzheimers for several years, and I know that this is not the same as what you are going through, but it was really tough.

Depression is torture. Some claim to rarely suffer from it, others battle against some form of it for most of their lives.

I fall into the latter group. I have no advice for you, but perhaps it helps to know that you aren't alone.

When ever I reach rock-bottom, feeling nothing matters, I think carefully about other people in my life, what I mean to them, what it would do to them if I made such a drastic decision. That really helps me through the hard times.

Gaer

[waterlilly]

Hi Wayne and thanks.

I hope your return starts to deliver the goods. I can remember doing my degree at that time. I might help to get back into study. I am considering that to. I was supposed to start trainging this month. however, things are just not working out.


kind regards.


Gear I posted my chart. Oh, you may have been talking about the first one. That is my mothers.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. It must be extremley difficult during this time. All these concerns are constantly on my mind. I currently have no life insurance, because i can't afford it and, i'm thinking what it this? & what if that happens? the dog's not insured and, so on.

Worry, worry, worry...

I thank you so much for sharing your struggles with deppression. It does indeed help in real time terms to cope and, offer an insight for those lucky enough to have escaped it's clutches.

[waterlilly]

This is my mothers chart.

She has had agraphobia for the last 20years. However, even though she saw a psychiartist about 30 years ago. She was never diagnoised with anything. Since science has moved on to. I am wondering if there is an undetected mental health issues.

I just don't know. Maybe I have inherited something??

[wayne penner]

Waterlilly I just re-read my missive and I want to say that there is no way, NO WAY, I will ever complain about anything.

I've been down there, slept under a bridge, with the rats, and because life is so strange I also spent a night in the same suite in Chennai India that Bill Gates did. I slept in the same bed as Bill Gates, although we're not serious. (That boy lives well by the way.)

The Scots have a wonderful saying, "never complain, never explain".

Never EVER EVER complain and never EVER apologize. That's Wayne's motto and I live by it and I'll die by it. You live your life girl, go out there and throw it all around and think only about what you can do to make life better and more pure and more sensible and more fine for others. You're fine, it's others who need your help.