Will I ever shake my unhappiness?

[Alice]

I instinctively feel that it's a misdiagnosis to call it depression because I think that it has its roots in deep frustration and anger more than anything else. It's very much connected to my strong first house mars in scorpio making a square to my midheaven, the presence of pluto cj uranus in the tenth and the conjunction of mercury (ruler of the mind generally) and the sun (ruler of the MC, in its fall in Leo). Basically, mercury looks at the sun and thinks 'nah. I'm too good for this.' Pluto creates a 'don't even go there' relationship with authority, and is now kicking it all off transit wise, along with Saturn, which is making its way over my MC.

I've always suffered from lack of confidence and confusion about who I am and what I really want to do (Neptune rising) and lost much of my twenties (when I should have been climbing onto the first rung of my career ladder) to the death of a boyfriend, the suicide of a best friend and the re-discovery of my natural parents (it didn't work out. It took out at least five years of my life whilst I seem to completely lose control).

At the age of 31 I began to work with my boyfriend, but now, 11 years later, work seems to be so scarce. I'm honestly lost as to what to do. I'm becoming increasingly unhappy in Britain too. I recently watched a programme on TV looking at the beauty of the country but all I could see was a sodden, Saturnian country and culture.

To cap that, my next two solar returns look horrible and every lunar return between now and 2010 has its ruler in the 6th, 8th or 12th.

It feels pretty grim :(

1st October 1965, 10.35 AM Exeter.

[2rainbows]

Keep active, hang in there, do not go on prescription meds.
Hugs,
~2Rainbows

[Emmy]

So sorry to hear of your unhappiness. Although I'm only a beginner in astrology and so can be no help there,I can identify with your feelings about life in a way...I also have Neptune in H1 and had some tough years which absorbed my "career energy" for awhile. For me,it was illness rather than several tragedies like for you. Anyway,I do feel for you and want to suggest that for any physical symptoms you find out about fish oil capsules (omega-3),"juicing",and eat lots of fresh,raw fruits and vegetables(the body being too acidic can worsen "depression"). And eat some good "sprouted" grain bread (like Ezekiel bread) all by itself,no butter or jam, which helps to create serotonin. Also,exercise helps create endorphins which will make you feel better.(and never forget a bit of dark chocolate can create a good mood as well! :))) The only things that I do know astrologically is that if you take prescription meds.,you may have more than average problems with side effects due to your Neptune rising. (that happened to me)
Whatever is happening,just resolve to live a LONG LIFE and wait out the problems. They (problems) eventually get tired and give up! >:) -Emmy

[freedomlover]

Alice,

We were born about 7 weeks apart, so I'm pretty sure you have the same outer planet activity going on that I do, as far as the Ur/Pl conjunction, etc. So, drawing from that (didn't get to doing your chart)...

With Mars in Scorpio in the 1st, you have a drive to recover your sense of personal power. There is also an intense drive to "do", and sometimes makes an individual who finds it hard to just "be" and relax.

Your Uranus/Pluto conjunction in Virgo is in your 10th - so a built-in power struggle --rebellion vs. felling controlled, relating to 10th house issues - a drive to be successful, or feeling like you "have" to be successful- also a need to break out of the "working for a living" mindset.

It is currently being opposed by transiting Uranus in Pisces, further emphasizing and bringing to the fore the internalized push-pull of the Uranus/Pluto conjunction in Virgo. Uranus is opposing it from the 4th, so we have a double water sign emphasis (Uranus in Pisces in the 4th) opposing a double earth-sign emphasis. (Ur/Pl in Virgo/10th). It sounds like you need to pay more attention to your emotional/spiritual needs. If you have trouble relaxing or taking time off for yourself, then this would be a good time to learn how to do that.

Since it is on the Virgo/Pisces axis, you are probably dealing with an internalized "slave mentality" or "martyr" complex- rescuing, etc. Also, if you're not doing the work you were born to do and for the right reasons, it can set this off and you can feel you "have" to work, (Ur/Pl in Virgo) and so drag your feet, procrastinate (Uranus in Pisces).

If Mars in Scorpio is squaring your Ur/Pl in the 10th, then it is also being squared by transiting Chiron, setting up a t-square. T-squares are notorious for creating a seemingly hopeless situation that is hard to move out of. The answer is the opposite of the apex, which is Mars - and so would be the opposing point in Taurus, in the 7th. So, possibly financial issues surrounding a partner - feeling "owned" or trying to "own" the partner. (Mars in Scorpio is notorious for that.;)). Also, looking to a partner for self-worth, etc.

Also, you are a Libra, and a big lesson for a Libra is to learn to break free from co-dependence and to become fully themselves in a relationship unit.

The transits of Saturn in Virgo and Uranus going direct in November may give you some relief - if you consciously explore the possiblities of different choices. Also the extended period of Mars in Cancer this fall/ early winter (including the retrograde) will be trining your natal Mars for awhile. This may help, as well.

Just some ideas I thought I'd share to see if anything struck a chord with you.

Sending you light and love (Boy! Do I know about depression!)

Freedomlover

[Alice]

For ease of what I'm talking about, here's my chart:

http://img363.imageshack.us/img363/6766/aspectsandhousesvc0.jpg[/URL]

Firstly, thank you for taking the time to reply. It really does help to come on here and talk about this stuff with other astrologers.

2rainbows: I'm totally with you on prescription meds. When I was much younger, I was given prozac, and whilst I was on the drug, I experienced bouts of violence, five *suicide attemps* (not very genuine ones I have to say) and black outs. Because it was the late 80's no one associated these behavioural problems with the drug, but of course we know differently now:

http://www.socialaudit.org.uk/210proza.htm

(the article's a bit wordy, but typical of medical studies)

I have a different theory. I believe that SSRI's are not suitable for people who operate so much from a very strong Mars (I combine traditional astrology with modern and so regard Mars as my primary ruler and Pluto second). In fact, I think that they can whip up Mars aggression to a stand still. I've never had these symptoms before or since taking the drug.

Freedomlover; you're bang on with not being able to 'just be.' You'll see poor Venus, ruler of the descendant trapped in the first between a heavy Neptune and a determined Mars :(. This does express itself in a tendancy to get partners 'where I want them' - a trait which I don't like in myself, but am always battling the insecurities of an abandoned child who's life-long compulsion is to substitute partners for mothers. It's a handicap that makes my Libra sun ego journey almost impossible.

As for Pluto/Uranus in the tenth - I'm someone who cannot tolerate any form of authority. If someone tells me what to do, I tend to do the opposite just to spite them. Like a spoilt child.

A few years ago, I went into therapy (also mostly useless because I felt that I was stirring all the same old stuff from the past in the same of melting pot and getting absolutely nowhere - other than skint). At the point where my therapist and I decided to call it check-mate, she suggested I contact a gifted psychic that she knew regarding past lives, saying that sometimes it provides a key for people. This psychic claimed that I had lived before as a man who was taken to South Africa in roughly 1630 by a wealthy family from the Netherlands. This young man was bullied by his father in a way that cannot be imagined today, but the family were off the scale rich (owned a gold mine) and so everything was done for him. He had no life of his own, he paid his family duties by taking over the mine after his father's death and died a single independent man.

I'm hard to convince about past lives (love it if any of you can find examples of the young man's life in my current chart) but this one was spooky. The psychic didn't know, for example, that my birth father (the re-ermergence of the father figure) lives in South Africa today and that I have always felt a very strong pull towards the country (even before I knew where my birth father was).

More midheaven casualties of the chart are: the square Mars makes to the MC, the Sagittarian south node and Moon (an unsocialized wild horse and a need for freedom) opposite Jupiter, which, if nothing else, makes the whole thing operatic.

Along with T. Saturn cj MC, I have T. Pluto cj Moon, T. Uranus opp Uranus/Pluto whilst simultaneously cj N. Saturn and N. Chiron and T. Jupiter cj N. Moon opp Jupiter. Eek

I truly agree, Freedomlover, that I need to learn how to be independent, but the only business I have ever earnt any money from is with my partner. I'd love to do something that's just for myself alone, but simply don't have the confidence. It would have to be something creative and self starting too - which narrows it down even further.

Well, with the eclipses coming up together with all of these transits, I can't think that the next year or so are going to be boring.

What do folks reckon about T. Saturn cj MC? Is this going to be a time of reckoning for my little business?

[archergirl]

Hi there Alice, welcome!

I've got a few things I'd like to note from your chart:

1. One thing you may have overlooked is that you have had transiting Pluto hanging right over your natal moon for the last two years or so. I'm having a similar 'identity crisis' aspect, as Pluto is exactly conjunct my Sun (at least until November). Despite the fact that I don't use the outer planets much in horary, in natal astrology, Pluto packs a wallop. He's nothing to laugh at!

I was lucky, in a way: Pluto first hit my Venus in mid-Sagittarius so I got to go through the wringer in personal relationships first, before I got to the even more personal Sun position, so I feel pretty comfortable with Pluto now and welcome the changes I am undergoing.

You have the Moon in the 2nd, which governs not only your sense of physical security, but your *emotional* security and self-esteem. Pluto grinds up, spits out, and utterly transforms whatever he touches; the thing to do is learn to *flow* with the changes, and not resist them. It's bloody scary. Pluto has left the exact conjunction and is separating from the Moon now; so what you are experiencing is the residual effects of this.

2. You have the South Node in your 1st house, with its opposite in your house of relationships. With the 7th ruler in the 1st house, relationships are actually quite important for you; with the North Node in the 7th, they are also things you are here to cultivate. There are different interpretations for the Nodes, but I see them in terms of things that we've already 'been there and done that' for (South Node) and North Node things we need to utilise more frequently. It can also mean that you are your own worst enemy, an affliction many of us suffer from...:p With all that energy in your 1st house, you really are a force to be reckoned with!

3. I instinctively feel that it's a misdiagnosis to call it depression because I think that it has its roots in deep frustration and anger more than anything else. This is one of the most prescient comments I've seen on this site or anywhere else. Depression is *exactly* this. Depression is 'stuckness', usually feeling 'stuck' in a situation one feels powerless to change. I've been exactly there.

4. I'm all for past lives as a matter of interest, but I would probably venture that while it's all fine and well to know one's past lives, they really have very little to do with the 'present' one, unless there is some lesson you are resisting (see 3. ). You are who you are in this life, and I think all things considered it sounds as if you are coping well with yourself, which is, and should be, good enough.

5. I would try counselling again. If you reach a detente with your counsellor, they aren't the right one for you, and you are well within your remit to keep looking. I resisted counselling for years, and when I reached rock bottom, I found a fabulous lady whose fees were very reasonable ($25 quid an hour!) who helped me work through all those things you yourself have felt: anger, stuckness, stirring the same old stuff. The point of a counsellor is to get you beyond stirring the same old stuff. I know myself pretty darn well; going into counselling, I knew where my hangups were, I knew what my baggage was and what my escape routes were; I just couldn't connect the dots between all these disparate threads of my life and move beyond them. My counsellor showed me how to do this, in tangible ways, with concrete results. So, try again, with someone else.

6. I recently watched a programme on TV looking at the beauty of the country but all I could see was a sodden, Saturnian country and culture. Ha, ha! I just moved back to the States from Britain; I miss it terribly, but I know what you mean. Who says you have to stay in Britain? Why not move somewhere sunny and start a business there?

7. I need to learn how to be independent, but the only business I have ever earnt any money from is with my partner. I'd love to do something that's just for myself alone, but simply don't have the confidence. It would have to be something creative and self starting too - which narrows it down even further. Sorry, rubbish, there are any number of things you can do; you just have to try to think outside the box. ;) There is a difference between being independent and being isolated. Is there a friend with whom you could start a business? What are your interests? Is there a niche market you could fill? Why not do the same sort of business you did with your ex, but do it for yourself?

Really, why not? And who says? Get one of your more sensible friends to be your sounding board, if you suffer from Neptunian fantasies, and just think of something.

8. I'd love to do something that's just for myself alone, but simply don't have the confidence. I don't mean to sound bolshy, but, keep telling yourself this, and you never will. Putting yourself into a pigeonhole is just exactly where certain negative parts of your personality would like to keep you, as it is easier to not have to be responsible for your own happiness. Just start by changing your language; every time you hear yourself saying something like the above, change the words: I'd love to do something that's just for myself alone, and I have the confidence.

It sounds like another one of those ridiculous New Agey affirmations; in fact, it is, but by gum, they work. When you change your language, you change your brain (seriously and literally); if you do this often enough you'll start noticing the little voice shouting 'no no no!' in the background. Tell it to get stuffed. Ask it why it thinks you shouldn't have self-confidence. Examine your fears of success; who put them there? And why? How did it serve *their* needs, at the expense of yours?

Look, you are obviously not afraid of self-examination. Anyone who can recognise that they lost their 20s to outside stuff (I did, too), who has dared to go to counselling, who comes to a forum full of strange people and asks for support ;) , has more than a lot going for them.

I can recommend a couple of books to you, if you like to read. They're fairly obscure, but interesting and practical reading.

One is "Earth to Tao" and the other is "Tao to Earth" by Jose Stevens (Bear Publishing, I think). They're a bit New Age and have some past lives stuff in them, but not in a frou-frou way; more as a practical application for living decently in *this* life, including how to find your personal support circle and how best to deal with yourself. :D They have 'practical exercises' you can do, which aren't too weird. A lot of very high-powered executives use these books (I know the author). They just don't tell anyone. You can find them here: http://www.thepowerpath.com. It's a good site, lots of interesting articles.

Anyhow, there are lots of fab people on this site, so I hope you'll stick around.

All the best,
AG:)

[starlink]

Hi Alice, I just noticed that you posted your natal chart here. This is the horary section actually and we should get a chart made for your question instead! Or am I totally wrong here? It is a bit confusing because there is a medical section for natal astrology, but I came to this medical one through going to Horary Astrology first.

[archergirl]

Hi Starlink, nice to see you again! :p

I've kind of given up on posts being put into the 'right' section; this site is so big, and has so many cross-connected links, it's nearly impossible to figure out where you are at any given time. Most people don't read the 'link trail' (or whatever that thing is at the top of the page). Heck, sometimes I don't read it!:D

I hope Alice gets back to us. This might make a nice horary question, you're right!

xAG:)

[starlink]

Yes, it keeps on happening. Our dear horary leader Draco should be the one to say this (even though he has done a thread telling people), not us.
Maybe if Alice reads this, she could still pose a question. I saw (in another thread that you moved to the US of A! Leaving good old UK behind! I will be visiting the Codswolts again on the 20th of Sept. Always love it there and can imagine that you miss England at times. Are you there for good? Nosy me... I am expecting the daughter of my partner any minute so I am leaving you. See you next in the Forum (always follow your interpretations!!).Cheers, Star.