directionless leo
05-20-2011, 08:27 PM
Im in search of a little direction,
Iv come to a point in my life where difficulties from my past are resurfacing..
I was sexually and mentally abused from the age of 12, I was alone fighting a loosing battle. I was taken out of school and ‘home educated’ up until I left home at the age of 16, moving three hundred miles away, went to art college and made a home with my boyfriend three years later I moved fifty miles away to start university. The boyfriend moved to Greece with his best friend for a few months before realising ‘the biggest mistake of his life’ his words not mine, was leaving me. We stayed together for the three years of my degree, it was turbulent at times, but what relationship isn’t? months before my graduation he moved home six thousand miles away, he never said he was leaving me, just waiting for me somewhere he would be happier. 6 months later I found out he was in a new relationship.
During the three years at college my mother was on housing benefit to cover my rent, during my three years at university she was fighting a court case, having received the money ‘fraudulently’. Just before my graduation she was sentenced, to a two year suspended sentence (wavered from an actual prison sentence due to mental health worries) and community hours.
She aged quickly and the court case had huge negative physical and mental effects, I fear she is in the early stages of alzheimer's, she is penny less, only working volunteering to help people with disabilities. She barely affords to live.
I would have graduated this time last year in a few months, as with the economic situation I have found it near impossible to find and maintain work. I gave up my room just after graduating and stayed on friends couches. I spent my savings on surviving and am now on job seekers allowance of £50 per week. I am homeless and unemployed and although I have asked and looked for help at many different places, I am in a catch 22 situation no one want to employ me before I have a house and I cant afford a house with out work. I am tired of being given the run around and bitten the bullet that only I can help my self, well I am lucky enough to have made a new relationship with an amazing man, who lets me stay with him free of charge, he really is a silver lining to my big grey cloud. Even though he has no idea how life saving he is to me.
In the last few weeks my mother has been threatened with loosing her home, I don’t think she has the strength or will to fight such a huge battle for a second time.
She never dealt well with the abuse I received as a child, she almost wanted to act as though nothing had happened, except the occasional request that I saw a councillor, which after my first bout of counselling aged 13 I realised was pointless when my councillors eight year old child died. We don’t really talk about it, and I feel some kind of resentment towards her that she didn’t protect me. She knew this and almost pressurised me to forgive her, I now feel a responsibility for the fact she was helping me escape my demons by giving me her benefits allowing me to move away and along with my life. I feel a responsibility that she got sentenced. But she’s my mum and the only one ill get and I love her, its just hard sometimes, my emotions/thoughts/feelings get so confused.
I stuck by her through out all the court proceedings and I feel physically mentally and emotionally drained by it all, even now.
And now seven months into my current relationship and I am starting to feel uneased. With the prospect of my mother also being made homeless. I am struggling to cope, yet again.
I have turned to astrology in the past and it has been a huge help, just even to hear someone understand.
I don’t really know what I am asking for, an interpretation perhaps, am I dealing with things properly or am I just infact making life hard, for myself? I feel lost and alone and completely directionless, I want to help my mother but am struggling with my own life, I want to be a good girlfriend but cant help but drift off into my thoughts and isolate myself.
I want to be able to talk about my past with my current boyfriend but am terrified he wont know how to handle it, or realise I come with to many issues. Will he be around much longer? Can I trust him?
Please help, in anyway you can.
my chart (natal) -
http://www.astro.com/cgi/showgif.cgi?lang=e&gif=astro_2gw_01_l_c.72773.27868.gif&res=100&va=&cid=cb3file1GWYLa-u1305922267
my chart (solar) -
http://www.astro.com/cgi/showgif.cgi?lang=e&gif=astro_32gw_01_l_c_2011520.73481.21018.gif&res=100&va=&cid=cb3file1GWYLa-u1305922267
synastry -
http://www.astro.com/cgi/showgif.cgi?lang=e&gif=astro_61gw_01_02_l_c_a_m.73366.17048.gif&res=100&va=&cid=cb3file1GWYLa-u1305922267
Iv come to a point in my life where difficulties from my past are resurfacing..
I was sexually and mentally abused from the age of 12, I was alone fighting a loosing battle. I was taken out of school and ‘home educated’ up until I left home at the age of 16, moving three hundred miles away, went to art college and made a home with my boyfriend three years later I moved fifty miles away to start university. The boyfriend moved to Greece with his best friend for a few months before realising ‘the biggest mistake of his life’ his words not mine, was leaving me. We stayed together for the three years of my degree, it was turbulent at times, but what relationship isn’t? months before my graduation he moved home six thousand miles away, he never said he was leaving me, just waiting for me somewhere he would be happier. 6 months later I found out he was in a new relationship.
During the three years at college my mother was on housing benefit to cover my rent, during my three years at university she was fighting a court case, having received the money ‘fraudulently’. Just before my graduation she was sentenced, to a two year suspended sentence (wavered from an actual prison sentence due to mental health worries) and community hours.
She aged quickly and the court case had huge negative physical and mental effects, I fear she is in the early stages of alzheimer's, she is penny less, only working volunteering to help people with disabilities. She barely affords to live.
I would have graduated this time last year in a few months, as with the economic situation I have found it near impossible to find and maintain work. I gave up my room just after graduating and stayed on friends couches. I spent my savings on surviving and am now on job seekers allowance of £50 per week. I am homeless and unemployed and although I have asked and looked for help at many different places, I am in a catch 22 situation no one want to employ me before I have a house and I cant afford a house with out work. I am tired of being given the run around and bitten the bullet that only I can help my self, well I am lucky enough to have made a new relationship with an amazing man, who lets me stay with him free of charge, he really is a silver lining to my big grey cloud. Even though he has no idea how life saving he is to me.
In the last few weeks my mother has been threatened with loosing her home, I don’t think she has the strength or will to fight such a huge battle for a second time.
She never dealt well with the abuse I received as a child, she almost wanted to act as though nothing had happened, except the occasional request that I saw a councillor, which after my first bout of counselling aged 13 I realised was pointless when my councillors eight year old child died. We don’t really talk about it, and I feel some kind of resentment towards her that she didn’t protect me. She knew this and almost pressurised me to forgive her, I now feel a responsibility for the fact she was helping me escape my demons by giving me her benefits allowing me to move away and along with my life. I feel a responsibility that she got sentenced. But she’s my mum and the only one ill get and I love her, its just hard sometimes, my emotions/thoughts/feelings get so confused.
I stuck by her through out all the court proceedings and I feel physically mentally and emotionally drained by it all, even now.
And now seven months into my current relationship and I am starting to feel uneased. With the prospect of my mother also being made homeless. I am struggling to cope, yet again.
I have turned to astrology in the past and it has been a huge help, just even to hear someone understand.
I don’t really know what I am asking for, an interpretation perhaps, am I dealing with things properly or am I just infact making life hard, for myself? I feel lost and alone and completely directionless, I want to help my mother but am struggling with my own life, I want to be a good girlfriend but cant help but drift off into my thoughts and isolate myself.
I want to be able to talk about my past with my current boyfriend but am terrified he wont know how to handle it, or realise I come with to many issues. Will he be around much longer? Can I trust him?
Please help, in anyway you can.
my chart (natal) -
http://www.astro.com/cgi/showgif.cgi?lang=e&gif=astro_2gw_01_l_c.72773.27868.gif&res=100&va=&cid=cb3file1GWYLa-u1305922267
my chart (solar) -
http://www.astro.com/cgi/showgif.cgi?lang=e&gif=astro_32gw_01_l_c_2011520.73481.21018.gif&res=100&va=&cid=cb3file1GWYLa-u1305922267
synastry -
http://www.astro.com/cgi/showgif.cgi?lang=e&gif=astro_61gw_01_02_l_c_a_m.73366.17048.gif&res=100&va=&cid=cb3file1GWYLa-u1305922267