The Mirror effect

[Shining Ray]

This Mirror effect, is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. I keep telling my partner to get his life in order. Sort his money problems. I can get a little annoyed when his paperwork is lying all over the place. When he can't find anything or has lost an important document that he needs because he hasn't put it away. When he is careless with money overspends his overdraft in the bank and then gets charged. I think I wish he would sort this out, life would be so much more simple.

But I get this feeling I am talking to myself, I am disorganized, I don't always pay bills on time and have been charged. I have nearly lost my home it is only rented, but because I didn't want to deal with all the back and forth phone calls and paperwork involved, I got myself in a right mess financially. I am more organized now in paperwork but I do forget to pay bills on time or I will say I will pay it all up next month and spend the money on other things.

So what annoys me in my partner is really all about me. He is reflecting what I do and I tell him off, for not being organized when I really should be telling myself.

Here is an explanation on the Mirror effect from my book The Instant Astrologer.

By Lyn Birkbeck Here is a powerful exercise that you can use to help you with common relationship difficulties and misunderstandings, which can if left unchecked, prolong emotional tensions and potentially lead to estrangement or separation, or any pain producing situation.

The surest way to resolve any relationship difficulty is to identify what it is in the other that appears to be giving you the trouble, and then recognize that it is reflecting something back at you, about you. This is astrologically seen as the Sun's light (your ego expression) reflected upon the Moon (someone else's response to it), or metaphorically as the projection of an image upon the screen. The point is that you cannot change the image on the screen (the other person) other than by changing what is coming out the projector (you). Upon admitting and taking back this 'projection' you find that you feel less, or no longer, perturbed by the Other - you may even feel greatly relieved and empowered because you have taken back part of yourself. More precisely, this is what Reflection and your Projection are:

Reflection: what the other appears to me as, which concerns, confuses, fascinates, obsesses or irritates.

Projection: What I, upon reflection, see that I am 'sending' to the other and so getting back as the reflection, or realize is true, fair or a simple solution.

Example Use Of The Mirror

Reflection: Being Unreasonable
Projection: Basing things too much on reason. The times I have been unreasonable.

Reflection: Not listening to me.
Projection: Me not listening to my own feelings or better judgement, or to the other. An historical problem with my older brother or sister not listening to little me.

Reflection: Being lazy.
Projection:The times when I was lazy owing to a lack of confidence, indecisiveness or lack of motivation.

Reflection: Being obsessed with looks.
Projection: I am too obsessed with looks - and how do I look?

Reflection: Emotionally reacting.
Projection: I do so too at times, or the fact that at other times I uncomfortably suppress my feelings.

Reflection: Thinking life should fit some theory.
Projection: I do, or have done, exactly that myself.

Reflection: Not liking certain pieces of music which I love.
Projection: Music has emotional associations and so I feel my feelings are not being appreciated - another childhood issue

Reflection: Being a pain or embarrassment in company.
Projection: My internal distress, which I think is under control when I merely have suppressed or internalized it.

Reflection: Being inadequate, a victim.
Projection: The times I have suffered from this, and how I still feel victimized by certain people. That I'm able to protect the Other when they feel weak.

Reflection: Not respecting my time and space and feelings.
Projection: That I do not feel entitled to my own time, space and feelings -I have a right to gently but firmly defend and assert them.

Reflection: Being childish.
Let he/she who is without childlessness not throw a tantrum! That I need to be more mature myself.

Reflection: Being disinclined sexually to give me what I want when I want it.
Projection: Sex is not enjoyable when I don't want it so why should it be for the Other.

Reflection: Not closing doors, turning lights off, or replacing lids and caps.
Projection: Where the Other fails to get the message, in the long run it's easier to do it myself and teach by example.

Reflection: Violent emotions, behavior and reactions.
Projection: The violent thoughts and feelings that I keep under - a danger to my health - or try to express or sublimate through other means such as sport or sex.

Note that you can also project back and forward in time. For example, something the Other is doing now is something you used to do. Or could be expecting the Other to be, say, aggressive or whatever, and they turn out not to be so. Also this is very important, the Other's Reflection may be COMPENSATION for what you are (sending). For example, you could see the Other as being only ever concerned with themselves, reflecting you are much too concerned with the Other(s) and not nearly enough with yourself. There can be many versions of reasons for compensation.

Discounting Projection: If you genuinely and honestly discover that there is no projection occurring on your part, that the Other's behavior is entirely their issue and flaw, then you can tell them so or leave them to their own devices in the knowledge that you actually are right in the objective sense.

P.S I also thought of this Mirror effect when reading exodus synastry chart here on the forum. He mentioned how he hated his girlfriend always agreeing with everything and this did annoy him sometimes. Yet he was a strong Libran. I am not picking on you exodus it is just I thought the traits you disliked were probably traits you have or had in the past. I am the same with my partner the very traits I dislike are very much my own. This is why I have posted this because we sometimes pick on our partner's for certain characteristics in them. When really we all need to deal with ourselves and our own issues. Our partner is merely a reflection.

Shining Ray

[freedomlover]

I am sooo glad you brought this up, Shining Ray!

I had thought of making a post myself, and then my mind got on other things. I also thought of telling you about it in the post yesterday, but again, it slipped my mind. It's something that really needed brought to attention. Thanks!!!!!!
(I told you we were separated at birth!;))

I discovered this several years ago, and practice it continually. It has been the single most valuable tool in getting in touch with myself, healing my emotions, and changing my behavior.

It's actually in the Bible, too. This is what Jesus spoke of when he told the people to first get the plank out of their own eye, then they could see clearly how to get the speck out of their neighbor's eye. He also cautioned something like, "Don't you know that ye who judge do the same thing?"

I also want to bring out that I have found that the people whose charts I wind up commenting on are part of this mirror effect, as well. I have found that when I comment or give advice, more often than not, I am telling it to myself, as well. (Definitely a 7th house issue, I would say?) Communicating it to the other helps get it through to me.
Has anyone else found this happening to them?

This is a fascinating subject. Thanks once again, Shining Ray!!!!!!

[Shining Ray]

Freedomlover,

Everybody must be a mirror in our life. My best friend is in an abusive relationship I would see her sometimes and think is she mad, what is she putting up with him for he treats her like dirt. She could do much better than him. I would realize the very advice I would give her was what I should have advised myself to do. Because at that time I was in the very same situation. Like attracts Like.

I would go round to my mum's house and complain about my friend and talk about what a victim she was. Not realizing she was reflecting what I was doing in my relationship. We were reflecting back to each other. I would get annoyed at her for letting herself get treated like this, when really I was angry with myself deep inside for allowing myself to be abused.

Shining Ray

[Arian Maverick]

Shining Ray,

Thank you! :)

I was reading through your post when I spontaneously recalled the name of an author whose works I have not read for months--Anne Varnes. I recommend that you visit the Spirituality (http://www.astralvoyage.com/spirituality/index.html) section of her site Astral Voyage (http://www.astralvoyage.com/), which contains many helpful articles...

Arian Maverick

[Lynns]

This is an exceptionally good read for a monogamous relationship. I have also been thinking about these. My "partner" is very similar to me, and our bad points actually get blown up, and neither of us are willing to give in to our shadow selves reflected in each other. I guess it's something likea love-hate relationship that can only be resolved through recognising and realising that it's a projection of the self unto the partner, and not the partner's fault for irritating us.

This is a heavy read, and I will have to read this again (I can't really digest heavy reads and grasping them fully).

There's also another thing, which is expectations. Do you expect your partner to fulfill gender roles of society? There are some things I expect of him, but he is not doing it, and it is irking me. For instance, we are both librans, and masculine/feminine polarity is supposed to be equally strong. But he does not tend to initiate things and waits for me to do so. And I get irked, so I wait for him to do it, and in the end we end up waiting for each other. As in, I want him to be the male (on my terms) for some things. While he wants to control me in others. It's weird, and very frustrating. I could 'fix' it, as in talk, analyse his psyche and come up with a solution, but I'm just waiting for him to actually realise certain things.

I think realising this has made me less mean to those whose characteristics remind me of the part of myself that I dislike, and it could give rise to better relationships, once that part of yourself has been resolved (with love and acceptance). I'm still working on it..

[Shining Ray]

Thank you Arian,

There is plenty to read on this site. You know I love to read all about spirituality and the deeper meaning to life.

Shining Ray

[kate0406]

hello

yes I too find this very interesting as I myself am one big Hector Projector!! My partner and I are always reflecting good/bad facets of our psyches onto each other - usually to do with control/bossiness etc which can be very distressing for us. I have to remind myself that he is just mirroring parts of myself that need dealing with, only thing is I'm not sure how to do that (can't afford therapy etc).

In life I have come to see that everything on the 'inside' is reflected on the experiences had on the 'outside' - how you feel about yourself, suppressed parts of the psyche and all that (also on a collective level - think about what's going on in the world - how healthy is our collective psyche???) I think knowing this and being aware of it is tremendously helpful, the cosmos is always challenging us to heal ourselves and become whole (sometimes easier said than done I think!!).

I think projection issues can be linked to the decendant or 8th house (mine being aries, my partner is a strong, typical arien) where you will find your 'baggage'. My partner also expresses many traits which I myself have had to repress or which haven't had a chance to grow (I had a traumatic childhood) - confidence, self-sufficiency, self-containment, not caring so much what others think etc. I also have mercury and jupiter in the 8th house, the qualities of these planets are somewhat hidden as I always become attached to people who are larger than life, free spirited and are self expressive (merc and jupiter).

Anyways I could go on forever, it's too interesting (that's what having a pluto on the asc does for you folks..).

Always refelecting
Kate