A few more jokes

[Caprising]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad.

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love, Vinnie.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie.


Three tradesman we're sitting around eating smoko and chating oneday when one tradie says "My son at home is so dang lazy that he asks me to get up and get him a drink while we're watching tv!" The second tradie laughs and says "Ha, you think that's bad? The other night while i was in the kitchen my son calls out and asks me to get him a bottle because he is too lazy to get up and go to the toilet!" The third tradie scoffs and says "You two don't know the meaning of lazy! Last night when i got home, I walked in to find my son laying on the floor crying in front the heater. When i asked him what was wrong, he just looked at me and whimpered "My legs are burning!""

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Arian Maverick]

Ah, I love the first joke! I must have gallows humor! :bandit:

I did not understand the second joke, at all--but with a heavy Aries/Capricorn emphasis in my natal chart, I don't understand laziness.

I think we should modify the third joke so the Gemini flies land on the telephone! :lol:

Arian Maverick

[Caprising]

You might need a heavy venus/neptune emphasis to understand the lack of energy in the lazy joke. I also like the insinuation that men drink beer and women talk so much, it reminds me that the two genders do have easy to see differences!

[Modcleopatra]

I wonder if two women not finding the joke about lazy men funny ALSO says something.... :rightful:


;)

[Courtney Love]

I just thought the heater joke was lame.. the first one was GREAT. I'm dark like that...

[Caprising]

I wonder if two women not finding the joke about lazy men funny ALSO says something.... :rightful:


;)

it probably says that men and women are still searching for the balance in sharing housework , but we all know that men are hopeless at doing domestic chores, I myself broke 1 glass and 2 plates last timeI tried to wash the dishes and bluff my way through the "domesticated male" role :biggrin:

[Caprising]

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Bruce and Julie listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Bruce leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

[njmfff]

hahahahha! :)

ok, here's the weird joke I've heard few days ago... Warning, this joke might not make much sense. It sounds funnier in my native language anyway.

Two cancers are sitting on the beach. One of them starts smoking. The other doesn't like this and says "Stop smoking already, you want to get a human on your lungs?"



some darker jokes...

Son sends a greeting to her mother from asylum.
'Hi mom, just to tell you I am feeling great here. It's fun all the time. We jump into the pool everyday, and if we are good, they fill it with water. Love, Eric"



an older woman wants to get rich and famous quickly, so she decided to send her photos to Playboy. She received the response letter:

"Dear Miss,
with sorrow in our heart, we are about to tell you that your photos which you submitted to the Playboy will be rejected, but we encourage you to send them further to "Call of the Wild" or "National Geographic" "

What do you get when Snowhite gets naked in front of the dwarfs? - 7up!

Why did they drop out Snowhite from Disneyland? She sat on Pinocchio's nose and told him he lies.


The trucker comes to the prostitute and ask her "What do you do for 50 dollars?"
"EVERYTHING!" she response
"Ok, then get started by exporting those bricks from my truck... " - Trucker said...


Sorry, but can't think of any other lame joke now... It's 2am here, and I need to sleep. Exam tomorrow.

cheerz!

[shilohgomz]

Few more jokes :

1)
TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"
PAPPU : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

2)
Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?'

[Claire19]

Heee Heeee:biggrin:

[Caprising]

Here's a few more:
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

12. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

17. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how living remains so popular?

19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.

21. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?

25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

30. Shin: A device for finding furniture

31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[Caprising]

YOU
KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...



1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.



2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.



3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.




4. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.



6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries...



7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen




8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it



10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee




11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )



12 You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.



13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.



14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.



15. You actually
scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list


~~~~~~~~~~~AND
FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at
yourself.


Go on, forward this
to your friends. You know you want to! Go lick your
elbow.

[queenfluff]

haha! Caprising that 2011 thingy was great! So true! I swear, I hate talking on the phone though. But oh, how I love my email. I still may not forward that to anyone. Unless I post it on Facebook! :)

Even worse, I can't hardly "write" anymore (meaning penmanship with a pen or pencil) and I used to have the nicest but I type too much - another way to know it's 2011 and too much techology! :) I find myself thinking "why can't I just type this?"

(btw, there was a #9 on the list - you just numbered wrong! LOL! :wink: )

[Claire19]

it probably says that men and women are still searching for the balance in sharing housework , but we all know that men are hopeless at doing domestic chores, I myself broke 1 glass and 2 plates last timeI tried to wash the dishes and bluff my way through the "domesticated male" role :biggrin:
You deliberately were incompetent at these basic tasks I would imagine. So that you would not be asked to do it again and women fall for that.
I think men should do the outside chores such as mowing, taking out the garbage and fixing things around the house. That is male oriented and doesnt detract from self image or being made to feel less:happy:. This has worked for me and my families.

[Caprising]

I'm glad that you enjoyed the jokes Queenfluffy!

Claire....I have to do my own dishes, I live alone most of the time! Been thinking about getting a new appliance...you know the one, it cooks, cleans and has a dozen other uses too...apparently all you have to do is skrew it to the wall! :)

[Caprising]

All that jokes were really hilarious.
Read this out

What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire?
A very witch person.
I'm glad that you enjoyed them, I like your joke too. So are you here to learn some astrology or to sell some flooring? You look to have some Sagg/Gemini in your chart, or am I getting rusty in my old age?